upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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