If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You dont lie about slip and slides
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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