dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's rum buckets o'clock
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
