She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
