There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
