6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
