My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
