I checked into jail on foursquare
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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