i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
