im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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