omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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