He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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