We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
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That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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