totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
