Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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