Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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