i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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