Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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