I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
