If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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