i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We have started to decorate penises.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
