How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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