I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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