last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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