I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
