just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
