the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
