Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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