I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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