Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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