I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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