Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
