I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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