Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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