so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
tell me about the eggs
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
