I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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