i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am one with the molecules
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
