I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
