if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
