My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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