It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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