??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
