i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
