woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
