you didnt know i had herpes?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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