you traded sex for a burrito?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
