I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
