I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
