I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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