This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
