I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
