What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
