my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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