It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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