the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
